This post will not have any pictures.
And it may be a bit lengthy. Being concise isn't a strength of mine. **Ever notice I'm hardly on Twitter??**
But I can promise you that this will have heart. It will have my heart poured out through keystrokes. Call it therapy.
I am tired. I am really really tired. Not the lack of sleep type of tired (although with three littles there is definitely some of that as well), but the out-of-steam type of tired. I am wrecked with doubt and fear. I feel that I have worry pumping through my veins regularly. I am full of anxiety. And I can't seem to let it all go. I want to so very badly. But why is it so hard?
I have been in this place before. I tend to call them my doldrums. I know that my Savior died on a cross to free me from all these things. I know that as He hung on that cross he took on my doubt and fear, my worry and anxiety, my guilt, my pain, my shame and shouted out "STACY! I LOVE YOU!" So why do I find myself here in the doldrums again? Why does it have to be a daily surrender?
I think it's because He wants me to realize that I need less of me and more of Him. I think it's a control issue and a pride issue. I think we have to come to a place (okay, I need to come to a place) where I realize I am really nothing without Him and if I will allow Him to do great things through me, He will. If I hope for Him to be glorified rather than myself, He will. I have been so focused on wanting to do something great. I have been so fixated on the approval of others and it has nearly ruined me. But He has stood by me gently reminding me that He will save me. He has saved me.
He didn't berate me in my exhaustion.
He whispered to me.
He whispered to me over and over again the truth until I was ready to hear it.
"I love you, Stacy. I have a plan for you. Step back so I can step in."
Less of me. More of Him.
I am fully aware that this is my daily struggle. That I will have to surrender my fears, my doubts, my anxieties, my pride, my control, my worry, my pain daily. But with God all things are possible and I believe he will give me the strength to surrender and go on, rather than to give in and cease.