I walk into the bedroom that my 4 year old and 3 year old share, sit down in a cluttered rocking chair and quietly begin to cry.
Scattered blocks across the floor are fallen evidence of imaginary places and victorious conquests. Tossed costumes and strewn stuffed animals are affirmations of an exciting plot with a fantastic audience.
But to my weary eyes, I can only see a mess.
Grace says, "This isn't a mess. This is beautiful, tangible proof that your children are growing and learning. Creating and sharing."
I think, "Tangible all right. Tangible right to my toes that can't take a step without landing on one of these pieces."
Grace says, "If only you could see things how I see them."
As I sit in that chair I begin to remember the laughter I heard earlier in that day emanating from that room. I remember that today's mess will still be here tomorrow, along with children who are a day older. I try smearing the salve of Grace over the part of me that strives for order and control and in that process, I find rest and peace. I realize in that moment that my tears have little to do with the apparent chaos surrounding me in their room. These tears, this room, represent a life full of wonder and beauty, worry and sorrow that feels very much out of my control, but Grace is still there telling me, "If only you could see things how I see them."
Psalm 94:19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.
I let that verse crash over me like the repeating waves on the shore. The truth drenching my innermost parts. Truly allowing my soul to delight in the comforts of the promises my Heavenly Father has given me. I may have a multitude of anxieties within me, but I have an eternity of freedom that is available for me to start walking in now. I acknowledge the state of the room for what it is and I thank Jesus for his mercy and grace. I dry my tears and choose not to pick up what covers the floor. Instead, I walk out. Relinquishing my need for order and control, thanking God that He is in control, and trusting in what Grace sees.